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While it may seem unusual to include
both strengths and struggles on my web site, for me, they are inexorably
linked - two sides of the same coin.
It is
the very things I've had to struggle with in my life that
have moulded me, honed my innate
characteristics,
shaped (and still shape)
me into the woman I am today.
Getting to Know Who I Am:
I was born and grew up in Barbados in
the 1950s. My family had been
there for generations. My
family life was very secure, and to me, very proscribed.
Although not all were articulated, there were clear rules about
acceptable behaviour and expectations around roles. The trouble was these often didn't make sense to me.
It seemed that
the way I thought was very different from most of
those with whom I came in contact.
This difficulty was compounded when I
was 7, and Lotta (my Nanny - see My Teachers)
left our family. I am sure I
was told at the time that she was leaving to care for her aging mother,
however, what I believed was I had caused her leaving -
I had been too much trouble.
Others would have developed their own
unique strategies for dealing with this.
The coping method I developed was to
try to make myself acceptable
by picking up cues from my environment that would tell me 'who I should
be'. Clearly, this is a
very
energy intensive, and not very rewarding way to live!
It was not til I was in my 30s, that I came to the scary
realization that
I was not living my life, in fact
I didn't even know what
kind of a life I wanted to live!
It
was then the process of discovering who I am, and what I want began in
earnest.
This struggle has fueled the enormous
passion I have for inviting myself and others to be clear on who we really
are.
And as time has past, I
have come to realize a great legacy from those many years of taking cues
from others. Both my
listening and intuitive skills are highly developed, an enormous advantage
as I coach and facilitate.
Becoming Clear on What I Need:
While I had the enormous gift of being
extraordinarily loved and cared for as a child, this same exquisite
attention had another effect. Because
my needs were generally so quickly and well met, I never noticed
- at
least was not conscious of - the fact
that I actually HAD needs! ... and I
certainly
never learned to articulate them in appropriate ways,
or
learned
how to ask that they be met. More
than that, I absorbed the belief that loving someone meant both noticing
AND (without being asked) meeting THEIR needs!
What a challenge to discover that my understanding was NOT shared
by many.
One of the difficult learnings of our
early marriage was understanding that the fact that David often failed to
meet my needs was NOT because he did not love me deeply, rather, (for a
variety of reasons - much later we named one of these as ADD, another that
I often didn't acknowledge these needs myself!) he had no idea that these
needs actually existed. Once
he was AWARE, to the extent that he could, he willingly met my needs with
great courage and tenderness. That
awareness continues to be something that we work with and learn about.
Discovering and naming what I truly need
has been a crucial step in the task of creating a life where my needs are
met in such a way that I have the resources to offer the gift of who I am
to the world.
This of course
has been balanced by the challenge (having named what I want) of
recognizing that I don't always get my needs met in the way I expect! - a real challenge for one so 'spoiled'!
And yet, through my life experience I have come to know in the core of my being
that in each moment,
whatever situation arises
I (and we all) have access to the resources
we need. This is a gift (and strength) that I treasure.
Letting Go of My Need to Control:
Although I had no consciousness of this
when I was a child, I had taken the belief that Lotta's leaving was my
fault, and (since I could come up with no better reason) extrapolated
this to mean I had been too much trouble, and further if I couldn't find
a way to be 'less trouble' maybe others would leave as well!
Scary thought for a serious child like me.
It was not til I was in my 40s that I
recognized and began to change this unconscious belief system.
Until then
I accepted a grave responsibility - not only to make
sure that I wasn't too much trouble, but to warn others, and more than
that,
to prevent others from being too much trouble!
As you can imagine, my siblings and cousins (and many patient
friends since then!) did not appreciate my well-intended efforts.
As a kid, I was often teased.
I had well earned the name of 'bossy Maralyn'.
Although
I've long been frustrated at the
futility of this, only
recently have
I come to recognize that not only is
this not my responsibility, but that in holding on to this role, I
have unintentionally not given others the freedom to make their choices
and learn skills themselves.
It has been enormously freeing for me to
let go of the energy draining and ultimately futile
responsibility of having to control others, and
focus my energy and attention on my own
learning and creativity.
Accepting and Being
Gentle with Myself:
Those who know me, know that one of my
most frequently used phrases is
"Be gentle with yourself!" A while ago, it dawned on me that this
continued to be something I needed to learn too!
I often harshly judged and was not accepting of my own
choices and efforts. What a relief it is to be
learning about being gentle
with myself
and accepting of my own humanity. This
gives me much greater freedom to be me, and
I remember I am deeply loved. The firm foundation from which I can feel fully alive,
and creatively add my gift to the world.
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